Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
