Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
