saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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