1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
