I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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