How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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