my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
