I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
