dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
