Your dad touched me again.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
