at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
He kissed a someone with a penis
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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