It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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