omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
