You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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