I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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