I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
