I can text with my tongue
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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