You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Damn victory sex feels great
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
