I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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