So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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