Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
