Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
