i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
