i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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