Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
