Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
