her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
