I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
