I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Boobs are out for the taking
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
