you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i don't like sucking hair
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
