The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
