you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
birth control should be required to get into college
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
