I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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