I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
