That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
