I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
