There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
