We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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