do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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