i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think I just sharted jello shots
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
