I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
