dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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