Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
from now on my penis is your penis
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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