i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
