Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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