I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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