Do you still have your period?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
