It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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