Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
