I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
